We are bigger than we act...

I am gratified by the SCOTUS decision on the Affordable Care Act.  I would actively support a single payer system if it were on the table.  When it comes to health care, I lean way left.

That said, I feel genuine compassion for so many Americans who are convinced that the ACA will bankrupt our nation, lead us down the road to socialism, and irreparably castrate America, as they understand America.  I know how they feel, because I felt the exact same despair when Citizens United was upheld by SCOTUS.  I will support any effort to overturn the Citizens United decision, as Mitt Romney is vowing to do with ACA.

The rhetoric on both sides of these and other contentious issues is out of bounds, and certainly beyond anyone’s definition of Love.  Talk is cheap and often meaningless.  Love is expensive and priceless. 

My fears are no more or less valid than yours,

My causes and concerns do not pre-empt yours.

When you stand on the other side waving your

Placard at my placard, I can still choose to love you.

When the sun sets, when calm is restored at the end of the day

I can pray with you, knowing our prayer is the same….

Let wisdom, truth and love prevail.

Marriage

Have I ever mentioned that I find marriage difficult?  Certainly my own history demonstrates my personal struggle with the institution.

It dawned on me recently, however, that my perspective has been skewed.  The truth is not so much that marriage is hard but that I am hard on marriage.  Talk about high maintenance!  That would be me.

No one believed she was better prepared to be a “Christian wife and mother” than I at the ripe age of 20.  I had been trained by the church my entire life in addition to having great parents as role models.  I understood the marriage thing!  (This is where I pause while blushing and allow a moment of compassion for myself.)

My naiveté and self-righteousness obscured for far too long how difficult I am to live with.  I am rough on husbands!

I mention all this now because as I grow older and wiser I find I have tremendous empathy for couples.  My heart goes out to any two adults who embark upon the journey of lifelong committed, monogamous, honest, supportive relationship.  I have even more compassion for couples stumbling along the way, doubting themselves and one another. Marriage has challenged me in ways I never imagined, and often I failed to meet the challenge.  I’m not very good at it.

Nevertheless, I find persevering and trusting in a lifetime commitment to be an exquisite classroom for self-discovery, faith and trust, compassion and loyalty, honesty and transparency, humanity.  Marriage has benefitted me far more than I have ever benefitted it. Though I no longer believe in saving any marriage if by doing so honesty and integrity are sacrificed, I continue to have great respect for those who are willing to work at it until it is obvious that the next step to regaining or preserving personal integrity is divorce.

I’m interested in your thoughts and experiences.  Has your experience of marriage been easy and comfortable?  Or, like me, has marriage pushed and prodded you, frightened and challenged you, and revealed that you are not who you thought you were?

Specialness

The commencement speech recently given by David McCullough at Wellesley High School has caused quite a stir.  In the speech he tells the graduates that they “are not special.”  That is not, of course, all that he said to them.  He went on to inspire them to be contributors rather than stars.

Some day I may write a book called, You’re Not Special; I’m Not Special.  Since I first read A Course in Miracles’ premise that most human misery derives from the egotistical need to be special I’ve been intrigued by the profound contrast between specialness and uniqueness.

No one is, or should be, special; all of us are, and must be, unique.  I do not want to be recognized or acknowledged for my specialness, but for my uniqueness.  My uniqueness is God-given; I can’t take credit.  My yearning for specialness is ego-driven and separates me from others.

Authenticity, when it exists, springs from a person’s uniqueness.  So often, though, our addiction to specialness causes us, usually unconsciously, to attempt multiple and varied manuevers to “improve upon” our unique selves so that we will be treated as special.  Never works, not for long.

I hope the graduates at Wellesley understand the significance of the gift they received from Mr. McCullough.  I suspect most of them will soon forget, and embark on the quest to become “somebody special.”  My hope for each of them is that they will have true friends along the way who appreciate their individuality while chuckling at their misguided attempts to be, and be treated, as special.

Bullet Points 6-5-2012

1.               I am uncomfortable with public prayer, as in folks bowing their heads, holding hands and praying out loud In restaurants.  I am grateful for every morsel I put in my mouth, but public piety makes me inwardly cringe.
   
   
   ·               More to the point, my views on prayer itself have changed.  I am uncomfortable with groups of people holding hands and praying, or not holding hands and praying, or being led in prayer by one person.  I love shared moments of silence. 
   
   
   ·               Conversation can be prayer. I love and am inspired by conversation, one on one or in small groups, about what is important in Life--God, Love, forgiveness, authenticity, integrity, Truth, truth, justice, fairness, compassion, responsibility, relationships--you get the idea.
   
   
   ·               I would rather not know a politician’s religion. 
   
   
   ·               Having lived in cities most of my life, I am still amazed at how comfortable and “at home” I feel in Paris, Texas.  Had I been living a lie?  It reminds me of the stories I heard from my father about growing up in Runge, Texas, and visiting my grandmother there.  It’s nostalgic.
   
   
   ·               I love to counsel, you know, to mind other people’s business and give advice.  Only by request, of course, or at least, usually.  Even more fun and energizing is counseling small groups of people who long for deeper authenticity and congruity in their daily life.
   
   
   ·               I don’t understand why liberal Catholics remain Catholic.  I am disturbed by the Vatican’s “crackdown” on American nuns, but more disturbed that the nuns feel a continued loyalty to the Vatican.  I am really uncomfortable with patriarchy.
   
   

Can I walk the talk?

The last few lines of yesterday’s post:

Where is the junction of spiritual and political power?

Can the two ever exist in the same space?

According to whom?

It can only be in that hallowed moment

When I love and respect you,

You who make me most uncomfortable,

Without demeaning myself.

How can I practice what I preach?  How do I walk the talk?

There are millions of Americans who hold political and religious views that I find repellent.  My tendency is to mentally label them as IGNORANT, as in Stupid Ignoramus, at worst, or as merely ignorant, as in not as well educated as I, at best...two levels of arrogant condescension.  And yet, I suspect that real power lies in finding common ground and mutual respect wherever it can be found

So, today I am inviting you to join me in a spiritual practice.  I really want you to try this with me and share your observations.

Politically and philosophically, I lean to the left.  I am uncomfortable with and often judgmental of folks who lean strongly to the right.  So for me, this exercise is to sincerely, publicly acknowledge what I admire and respect about right-leaners.  Here goes:

1.  I respect their deep concern about government intrusion into individual lives.  I appreciate their fear of a “nanny state,” and the loss of individual initiative and self-reliance.

2.  Though I am an adherent of a woman’s right to choose, I am sympathetic to those who believe abortion is a very serious issue and should not be taken lightly or abused.

3.  I fully understand the belief that the Bible is the literal Word of God to be obeyed unerringly, and the concurrent belief that Christianity is the one true religion.  People who hold that belief will, if they have any integrity at all, make every attempt to convince their neighbors and fellow citizens of the error of their ways and warn them of the perceived consequences.  I admire people who follow their conscience.

While typing these three statements I was very aware of the desire to add qualifiers, disclaimers and rebuttals, but that defeats the purpose.  

Can you think of at least three examples of traits or qualities you genuinely admire or respect in people with whom you strongly disagree?

Could you say so in their presence?

Here is a chance to practice.  Share your ideas in the comment section.

I'm still here...

I haven't posted in a while because I've been stumped.  In no particular order, these factors have contributed to my befuddlement:

1.  Moving from the city to the country.

2.  Experiencing a shift in my definition of Love.

3.  Attending a mainstream Christian church, once again.

4.  Attending a gathering of Lamar County Democrats.

5.  Following the John Edwards trial.

6.  Watching Bill Moyers and Company.

7.  Being graciously welcomed to this new life by stranger after stranger.

8.  Following the "debate" over same-sex marriage.

9.  Seeing the "issue" of contraception re-surface.

10. Pondering the difference between spiritual power and political power, questioning if one can pursue both.

Today, however, a friend emailed and gently chastised me for not posting my thoughts on my blog.  Still not knowing what to write, or think, I did the tried and true...closed my eyes at the computer and let the words come to me.  Here you go...

Once I believed Life could be improved upon.

Once I believed that I knew right from wrong.

That morality was achievable,

And that I knew it when I saw it.

Today, Life is too nuanced for me to grasp.

Stunned at the degree to which right and wrong overlap,

I secretly cringe as I acknowledge to myself

How naively I have confused

Morality with self-righteousness.

Is it possible to lovingly strategize?

Devise a winning game plan?

Map out the path to victory?

Is it helpful, ever, to triumph over one’s “enemies?”

Where is the junction of spiritual and political power?

Can the two ever exist in the same space?

According to whom?

It can only be in that hallowed moment

When I love and respect you,

You who make me most uncomfortable,

Without demeaning myself.

Three months...bullet points

We have lived in Paris, TX for three months.  

1.  I am in awe of the quiet, the calm. 

2.  It is a blessing to watch my small-town husband, who for 45 years worked hard at becoming citified, reconnect with his roots.  He is rediscovering long lost friends, and they are rediscovering him.  Even though I often walk away from yet another “do you remember, and whatever happened to…” conversation, I am thrilled for John.

3.  I want to work.  I don’t want to work.  I want a job.  I don’t want a job.  I want to contribute.  I don’t want to feel obligated.  I want to serve.  I don’t want to be bothered.  I want to feel productive.  I don’t want to feel bound.  I want to find my place.  I don’t want to feel pressured.  I want to think and solve problems.  I don’t want to feel responsible.  Truth be known, I want my place in Paris to find me, tap me on the shoulder, and clearly state, "this is where you belong."

4.  Much to our surprise, we have found a church home.  We joined First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) as soon as we realized that this community of welcoming, thoughtful, open-minded, devoted, accepting and sincere Christians exists in Paris. 

We find ourselves among Christians with whom we can openly voice our disbelief in the notion that God, the Father, sent his son to suffer and die so that the rest of us could be forgiven of our sins.    I can openly express my view that, much like Martin Luther King or Gandhi, Jesus was executed by folks like most of us, folks who will not tolerate the passionate, non-violent action of Love on a consistent, daily basis.  We make repeated and creative attempts to silence Love.  Jesus’ death and resurrection demonstrate that we can’t kill Love.  And that changes everything.

5.  Last summer we sold Fredericksburg peaches and veggies under the hot sun in south Austin.  This summer we are growing our own peaches and veggies.  

6.  Here’s what I know today:  Life is not predictable.  Seriously unpredictable.  Six months ago I had no inkling that Paris, TX lay just ahead.  The willingness to follow an intuition that seemed unrealistic led us here, and we are so, so grateful.

What is Love?

Sitting at my computer, next to an open window, looking out onto our rose garden, I felt Something.  Closing my eyes, hands on keyboard, I typed these answers. Then I knew the question.

Engagement

Expansion

Energy

Enlightenment

Inspiration

Graciousness

Generosity

Creativity

Integrity

Authenticity

Dignity

Whimsy

Forthrightness

Compassion

Gratitude

Hilarity

Poise

Composure

Equanimity

Wholeness

Balance

Humility

Regard

Consideration

Congruence

Trust

Optimism

Acceptance

Encouragement

Reassurance

Forgiveness

Patience

Confidence

Discernment

Openness

Honesty

Faith

Straight-forwardness

Yearnings

Have you followed dreams that appeared to lead nowhere?

Have you repressed dreams that seemed impossible?

Have you ridiculed dreams that were out of your league?

Have you mistaken fantasies for genuine dreams,

Or even substituted depression in their rightful place?

I have.

So I write this today to provide a record, a touchstone,

To refer to in the future,

To remind me that

Sometimes following the call of a yearning leads

Somewhere.

Sometimes, if we can catch a yearning in motion, and

Courageously ponder the audacity of “why not?”

We find ourselves lifted up and beyond,

Surprised by a soft landing.

Church

When I was 12 years old I arose out of the baptismal waters and was pronounced “saved.”  I was greatly relieved to know that when I died I would not be sent into eternal torment.

My twelve year old self assumed that being saved also implied that while still on earth I would be protected by some kind of spiritual golden parachute, that my commitment to Jesus would qualify me for a joyful, abundant life free, for the most part, of life’s tragedies and suffering. 

As you might imagine it wasn’t terribly long before I found myself sadly disillusioned.  The search began; the search for what is really true.  How grateful I am for that rude awakening in my early twenties.  The realization that I did not know what I thought I knew propelled me to explore thoughts and ideas, theologies foreign to me, opening my eyes and expanding my world more than I knew possible.

I left the Church of my Childhood and over the years moved through the Presbyterian Church, Unitarian, Unity, Church of Conscious Harmony and beyond.  The last several years of non-church membership have been soul nourishing and liberating, allowing my spiritual exploration free reign.

Though I still do not fully comprehend our move from Austin to Paris, clearly it is far more than a geographical shift.  It is a return to John’s geographical roots, and, surprisingly, I find myself returning to my spiritual roots in a way I would never have expected.

We once again attend church; we look forward to Sundays.  I have not returned to the Church of My Childhood, but a distant cousin.  The songs are familiar; the communion table is familiar; I feel at home.  And, the week before we began attending an openly gay couple was welcomed into the fold…in Paris, TX. 

Church attendance is no longer connected to “salvation,” but to participation in the ongoing, open discussion of what is really true.  I think we may have found Christians in Paris who are actively engaged in the search for Reality, the search for Truth.  While they remain committed to their Christian tradition they are openly respectful of all sincere paths to Truth.  Luckily for me, I already know most of the hymns.