Recently I have been privileged to companion a much younger friend as she agonized over whether to divorce her husband or not. I was clear that I would support whatever decision she made. Her process has been valiant and honorable; she has looked hard at her situation and herself. She has been counseled; she has prayed; she has read a multitude of books; she has stared into the abyss. She wants a divorce. I support her.
Imagine my surprise yesterday, when after she declared her hatred of her husband, I heard myself actually say to her, with great intensity, “you can divorce him but how can you say you don’t love him? He is not a jerk! You are not a better human being than he is!” Uh oh.
More than 35 years ago I was in her shoes. How well I remember the agony and the defeat; the relief and the freedom. At the time I thought I despised my first husband, convinced he was the source of all my guilt and pain. He was a failure as a husband and a father; how could I have been so stupid to marry someone so dense. With my guilt buried deep inside, my self-righteousness overflowed.
Yesterday, in a split second, my role shifted from supportive companion to judge, one who was deeply invested in someone else’s process. When I stepped back, I saw that I did not want her to make the mistakes I had made, but even more I did not want her to remind me of the mistakes I had made. All those years ago I had shut a precious human being out of my heart, blaming him for my self-hatred, and I clung tenaciously to my victimhood way too long.
I did not belong with that good man; our adult children today are amazed that he and I ever got together – we are not a good match. At the time I could not conceive of divorcing someone with love. I had to declare him a villain in order to extricate myself, and set him free.
Today I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I shut someone out of my heart, when I declare someone to be unlovable, I am out of step with Truth and will suffer as a result. In AlAnon we talk of “detachment with love.” What a profound concept. Most relationships are not life-long. People come into our lives for a season, and most go on their way. We make promises we find ourselves unable to keep. I just wish I had known then what I know today, that we can detach with love and gratitude.
I apologized to my friend for transplanting my regrets on to her current life. She must find her own way, her way. I am oddly grateful, though, that my old regret rose to the surface for me to revisit and forgive yet again.
Robyn,
ReplyDeleteI am so blessed to have you in my life as a teacher, mentor and friend. It is, it seems, so much easier for me to see the "truth" for another, than for myself. I am grateful to be a hearer of your blurted truth, and to hear of the concept of detaching with love. Given the way I define love, detaching with love could seem an oxymoron, but, for me, one well worth exploring.
Robyn, this is beautifully, beautifully said. When I look back to my first divorce I realize, as you did, that I left a wonderful man behind. He was not right for me but he was still a fantastic human being who was intelligent and loving.
ReplyDeleteWith my second divorce, I was not so quick to blame him for everything--or for anything. I still love him and he still loves me. We can't live together but we made a child together and have loved each other for over 27 years. I wouldn't throw that away for anything.