I wrote this essay in 1996 and was reminded of it recently when the topic of an AlAnon meeting was self-care. I enjoyed finding it and reading it again.
There is much we women
know as a result of our procreative function. My understanding of God comes in great part
from what I know about mothering. The
Judeo/Christian tradition focuses exclusively on God, the Father. Good metaphor in its own way, but not
complete. One of the most empowering
metaphors about God is the nursing mother,
a wholly feminine image.
When a new being
emerges into the world, everything the infant needs is ready and waiting. Her mother's body is effortlessly and without
struggle preparing to meet the need. All
the newborn need do is instinctively latch on and suck. Nourishing the baby in no way depletes the
mother, in fact, she benefits from the process both physically and
emotionally. She is designed to supply
the demand and is herself nourished by the process.
Recently, I voiced
my frustration that I pray and meditate, get centered and serene, and then the
anxiety returns. I pray and meditate
again, become serene, and then the anxiety returns, over and over. I keep thinking that turning to Spirit should
fill me once and for all, for the rest of my life. But, the breastfeeding metaphor helps me see
it differently. Babies fill themselves
at their mother's breast becoming peaceful and serene. Having been held, warmed and filled, they are
at peace. Nevertheless, within hours,
they are hungry again, and if there is the slightest delay, they become
frantic, angry and desperate for fulfillment.
I remember times
when my almost ten pound newborn son would scream with hunger. I gathered him in my arms, sat in the rocker
and offered my breast. I talked
soothingly, stroked his cheek, but he only screamed louder. His cries caused my milk to "let
down" and begin dripping on his little face, but he was so upset and
frustrated he paid no attention. All he
needed to do was turn his head and suck.
Everything he wanted and needed was right there for his taking. Sometimes it took quite a bit of coaxing to
get him to stop protesting long enough to accept what was being offered. Of course, eventually he would, and he and I
both would calm down, relax and enjoy the abundance of it all.
Baby Matthew reminds
me of me. I want to be fed once and for
all and never have to return to the Source.
I meditated yesterday, why do I have to sit with God again today? All I know is that if I don't repeatedly
"turn my head and suck" I become anxious agitated and lose my
serenity. I suspect She set it up this
way because She enjoys my company. In
some inexplicable way, God, who rumor has it needs nothing, calls us back time
and again because She benefits from the relationship as much as we. I understand. Nothing has ever given me more satisfaction
than to hold one of my precious babies to my breast, close my eyes and gently
rock. Those twenty minutes sessions
filled us both.
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