Thursday, January 1, 2015

Throw Back Thursday

Oh lordy lordy.  Cleaning out my closet, opened a box, opened a spiral notebook and read this.  I wrote this in January, 1994.  Glad I found it--saves me the time it would take to write it today. My comments today are in  red.

"It seems I am plagued by deep seated self-doubt.  Constantly asking what am I doing wrong.  I see this morning what a useless question that is once one has accepted and invited the reality of God into one's conscious awareness."  This makes it obvious that some revelations can be easily forgotten.

"It is not that I or any student of God can do no wrong, but that that is the 'wrong' place to look.  Following that train of thought leads to despair, anger, and frustration."  Yesterday in a crying frenzy I pleaded with John, 'what am I doing wrong?' You could say I was in despair.

"One need be willing to see and acknowledge one's mistakes, but not go looking for them.  With Spirit as our guide, our mistakes will be revealed to us clearly.  We are relieved of the constant questioning of 'is it this?' or 'is it that?'.  My experience is those questions go unanswered.  Wish I had thought of that.

"It comes back, always, to trust.  Even when our lives seem to be out of balance or disharmonious, looking for where and how we are screwing up is non-productive.  Being willing to be shown is another matter."  Huh.

"It is the difference between the agony of proclaiming I can't find the way--I'm lost--and the assurance of no matter the circumstance avowing that I can not be lost because once I have been found I am found forever."  How in God's name could I have been wiser 20 years ago than I am today?!


  1. Robyn, what you have written is so common to most of mankind. I realize that I spent far too much of my time over the years accusing myself of being insane, or mentally imbalanced.

    I spent many precious hours living in condemnation and seeking answers to questions of how I may have caused the negative things I've experienced in my life.

    Today, I spend more time asking the question, "how can I continue to choose to love those around me?" Thankfully.

  2. I have no answer except to say twenty years ago I didn't realize I would be asking the same questions twenty years later - sometimes I think I'm wiser today than then, other times I'm not sure. I was in therapy last year at the first of the year, and my therapist asked me if I took antidepressants and I said yes. And she said, double the dosage. And I did. Thank goodness.


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