Belonging

There are millions of places and situations where I do not belong.
There are very few where I do.
If I'm needed, I'm already there.
If I'm not, I'm not.
I need not worry about where I belong...
I belong where I am,
and don't where I'm not.

More Extroversion

When I've been blessed; I tell it,
When I tell it: I betray it,
When I betray it; I doubt it.
Uh oh

This week...

My favorite week of the year, the week between Christmas and the New Year.  New Year's Day is without doubt my favorite day of the year.  The week leading up to New Year is especially poignant and introspective for me.  I relish it.

I love new beginnings, fresh starts, cleared slates, clean pages, new chapters, wrapping up.  New Year brings renewed energy and expectation.  No resolutions!  Merely a day on the calendar to remind me to say "yes."

This last year was full of change and lessons, surprises and upheavals.  In the end it allowed me to remember who I am and what matters to me.  I walked away from managing and suffered significant withdrawal symptoms.  I sat with myself; I sat with mySelf.  I came back to me...

What I wish for us all is a new year to move more steadily in the direction of authenticity and faith --authentic faith.

Here is my New Year's card for anyone reading this:  May you embrace your unique and distinctive Life; may you readily share your Life with the rest of us; may you remember you are not alone, that it is good that you are here among us.  Amen.

Extroversion

When I think it; I say it.
When I say it; I feel it.
When I feel it; I believe it.
Oops

What I don't know...

Getting to the heart of it, the truth of it,

Circling overhead, making pass after pass,

Checking radar before landing.

There is something that is Known

That I’ve yet to discover, something that

Eludes me time and again,

The search for which brings me back to this circling pattern

Repeatedly.

Honing in, staying the course, not turning back,

Determined to remain true to myself in search of my Self.

My value is in doubt,

My capacity for growth, healing and transformation

Becomes more and more elusive.

Relationships that should nurture and sustain

Wobble and tilt, accuse and cause pain, no one to blame.

I surrender to surrendering,

I understand the process and concur wholemindedly,

Yet my heart stands back waiting for I know not what.

Might 2010 close in upon me, still waiting?

What's with those poems?

Someone recently asked me about the poems I write, so I thought I’d take advantage of the blog to describe the poems and the process.

I stumbled on “the poems” many years ago in the privacy of my own mind.  I would sit at my computer with a blank screen, mostly when I was troubled or confused.  I would close my eyes and drift inward (no other way to describe it) and before long I was typing a message to me from Me.  I have no idea why, but the form the message took resembled a poem more than  paragraphs.  For quite some time this process was very private, very personal and one I kept to myself.  The messages I received were always loving, supportive and non-judgmental…comforting and insightful.

A few months later I described this process to a friend who then asked if I could write poems for other people.  Her question was shocking to me, as I’d never considered such a thing.  I began experimenting with family and friends.  I found that the same Me who inspired and comforted me was more than willing to do so on behalf of others.  Though every poem is unique and personal, they also seem to have a universal message of support and affirmation.

 I decided to call the poems SpiritSpeak Poems and began accepting requests to write a poems for individuals, couples or groups at a charge of $40 per poem.  They do not foretell the future; they are not “channeled.”  They do not give advice, per se.  Nor am I clairvoyant.  The more information I have about the recipient, the more personal the poem. 

Often someone requests a poem for someone else to give as a gift.  In that instance, the poem is mailed directly to the recipient, much like a gift of flowers is delivered directly to the recipient with a card announcing who sent the gift.  Though the poems are written for other people, I retain ownership of every poem and ask that they not be published without my permission.

Here is a sample, a real poem, names changed, that was requested for a woman who was turning 70 and also about to celebrate a milestone wedding anniversary.

Milestones, benchmarks, turning points, arrivals, and

New beginnings.

70 years old, 50 years married,

A mature life,

A mature marriage.  Celebratory.

Imagine sitting with an open scrapbook,

Not a real one, you wouldn’t want the distraction of

Looking at old photos, old invitations, old mementos,

But an imaginary scrapbook, found only within your mind.

Snapshots of feelings, thoughts, ideas, dreams, horrors,

Victories and embarrassments, wins and losses.

You’ve had them all.  Some are public and acknowledged,

Others are private, poignantly secret.

Some expectations never came to pass and likely never will.

Other events, events that could never have been predicted,

Landed on you unannounced.  Who knew?

The photos you actually took and saved

Cannot begin to capture the felt experiences that color your life.

Take an imaginary walk with you as you were at 16, and

Explain to her what will happen.  Be gentle with her,

There is so much she doesn’t know.

When she has heard you out and thanks you for your guidance,

Merely say you’re welcome, I wouldn’t have missed it, any of it.

Now, take an imaginary walk with your fiancé, Leonard,

A week before your wedding.

Explain to him what will happen and how it will all come to pass.

When he looks at you with wide eyes and asks, “are you serious?”

Just nod, and smile and take his hand.

And then…and then

Find a cool pool of clear water, fill your lungs with air, and

Gently sink into the pool until you are totally submerged,

Your hair floating and dancing about your head,

And say “amen”, so be it, let it be, as it is, yes…

Towel yourself off, and walk back into your life.

Sliding...

Gently sliding, succumbing, releasing,

Stepping away from managing,

Backing away from accomplishing,

Drifting, free falling.

Allowing the year to wind down

Without my guidance, my effort.

Trusting the world knows how

To rotate without me,

Trusting that life goes on even

As I lay down the baton and

Walk off stage.

Controlling, managing, controlling, managing,

Exhausting myself with ill conceived

Attempts at prevention, forestalling,

Keeping the hounds at bay.

I surrender.

I relinquish the wheel and

Slide gratefully into the back seat

To watch the world glide by.

If summoned, I will respond,

Meanwhile, I will sit and reflect,

Knit and breathe,

Wait, and trust

She who loves and trusts me.

I'm remembering...

Love teaching meditation again!  It has been more than four years since I've taught meditation or meditated with a group.

Here is what meditation means to me...I don't know squat.  Seriously.  Meditation affords me the luxury of stepping out of knowing anything, or believing anything.

I sit, I set the timer, and I consciously decide to sit for the next pre-determined minutes in "I don't know."  Wide open, clean slate, dumb as a doorknob.  

A member of my 12 step family asked if I would teach her to meditate.  I was thrilled and said sure and let's see if any other of our group members want to join.  Today was the first day of a 4 week mini-course, and guess who is the most inspired?  Moi!

I get so, so tired of knowing everything!  What a relief it is to remember I don't know squat.

What Defines a Career?

1. Usherette at Houston Astrodome first year it opened.
2. File clerk at title company
3. Clerk/typist at Texas A&M Library
4. Lab tech in A&M Poultry Science Dept
5. Homemaker/mother
6. Secretary at Bering Drive Church of Christ
7. Adm. Assistant at BA Mortgage Co in Houston
8. Adm. Assistant at Waggett-Tawney Executive Recruiters
9. Legal secretary for Roy Willbern
10. Public relations account executive at Bozell & Jacobs, Houston, TX
11. Leasing agent for Wm Swift Co, Houston, TX
12. Licensed real estate agent at Vanguard Properties, Austin, TX
13. Licensed real estate broker, Robyn Whyte Interests, Austin, TX
14. Co-manager Longhorn Ranch Motel and Restaurant, Big Bend, TX
15. Accounting clerk Apple Annies Café, Austin, TX
16. Spiritual teacher, poet, retreat leader and meditation instructor
17. Bookkeeper, All Saints Episcopal Church, Austin, TX
18. Bookkeeper, Lowell Lebermann
19. Co-owner Bryte Constructs General Contractor
20. Director of Operations, Roscoe Properties – property management
21. VP Operations, Roscoe Properties – property management

The list above of every job or position I have ever held illustrates my multi-faceted background and highlights my lifetime aversion to planning.  With the exception of homemaker/mother there is not one occupation on that list that is the culmination of a childhood dream.  As a child I assumed that I would not work-outside-the-home unless my husband died (divorce was unthinkable) thus forcing me to get a job.  Thankfully, my mom made sure I learned how to type for just that eventuality.

Though I did not dream of having a job, I did dream of being a performer – a singer/actor, perhaps comedian.  I dreamt of being front and center, evoking laughter and applause, maybe even tears.  The performer dream was just that, a dream.  I never seriously considered pursuing it, and lawyer, surgeon, engineer, real estate agent, bookkeeper etc never entered my mind either.

My first job, a summer job, was at the age of 17.  Today I am at that certain age and stage in life when one “looks back and takes stock.”  As I create this jobs list I can remember being in each of those situations; the buildings, the people, the work… primarily the people..  The list of jobs is a hodge-podge that doesn’t add up to much, doesn’t really fit the definition of “career.”   My “career path” was primarily driven by my need to take care of myself and my children as best I could with the skills I had.

As I reflect on all this, it occurs to me that my career has been more about relationships than occupations. 

As I flitted from job to job, occupation to occupation, I rubbed shoulders with good, kind, interesting, challenging, courageous, funny, well-meaning people.  In every case, the value of each job was less about the task at hand and more about my co-workers and clients.  I unthinkingly assumed that I had forgotten most of them and that surely they have forgotten me.  But when I re-visit each job in my mind, I vividly remember the people who were there with me.   Remembering all those sojourners makes the prevailing theme of my working life abundantly clear.  It was about the people, Stupid.

I knew it would come to this...now what?

Almost three months have passed since I stepped off the treadmill.  Am I fading away, becoming invisible?  Forgotten?  Do I want to be remembered?

Relief is gradually turning to expectation.  What now?  Which direction?  Who decides?  Does anyone want or need me?  Who?  Where?

Is there a discernible calling?  Shall I lean in the direction of The Encourager and Poet?  The Certified Property Manager?  The Co-owner of Bryte Constructs LLC?  The Bookkeeper?  The Real Estate Agent?  The Motel/Restaurant Manager?  Might I just wait tables at Dans?

Is there something new?  Some road not yet taken?  Shall I beat the bushes, fly resumes into the unknown, drum up bidness?

What is my highest and best use?  Who will pay me to do what?  Shall I look for signs, omens, portents?  Do I go after it, or let it come to me?  Can I be found?

I have a crazy quilt of experience, uncoordinated skill set, a longing for this stage of my life to be more authentic, a desire to learn something new and get paid for it.  Knitting isn’t as satisfying as it was a month ago.